I feel great
I just peed on a car
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
