ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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