he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
