I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
