do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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