glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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