today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
