Where is the hickey?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
