apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
