M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
