so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
