You're so nebulous sometimes
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
God, I missed his penis.
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