The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
