and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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