He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
