in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
