I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
