Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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