you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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