Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Watching her eat just hurts me
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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