Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
