all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
