I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
