i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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