I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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