dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize