My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
