You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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