Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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