Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
