i jhust puked up my retainher.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
