my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
3pm strippers are depressing
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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