I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
