Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
