there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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