I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
