i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
