I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
