I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
