Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
