he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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