shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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