She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize