I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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