i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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