I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
