i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
