when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i was born a porn star she said
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
