no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
