Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
