i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
