Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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