...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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