woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
