i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
