HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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