I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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