Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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