haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
