dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I met the friendliest cop last night
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize